I dumped it all in front of him. All of it. The ugly words and secret hurts that had been compressed inside my soul for decades lay in a pile outside of my Self, and I held my breath waiting for his reaction. I knew it was a jumbled mess and I didn’t expect him to sort it out or fix it. I didn’t stop to decide if it was safe, it just all came rushing out of my mouth like uncontrollable vomit.
I opened the deepest wounds, still sore and unhealed. My invisibility… my vulnerability… my exhaustion from trying to take care of everyone except for myself.
I waited… and waited. For a hug – for a fucking “I’m so sorry you’re hurting.”
And I envied her, really, lying there in her hospital bed, unable to go to the bathroom without assistance, watching strangers on television, smelling stinky hospital food, dissociated from reality outside of those walls, and not having to do a god damn thing for anyone else in the world.
I never knew it could kill you. I thought codependency was the “white hat” side of dysfunction. Alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers… black hats – bad guys. People who spend their lives helping others… heaven’s angels.
Turn the other cheek. Lay down your life for your friend. Put everyone else in front of you, and you take whatever is left, if there is anything left. Starve for them. Die for them. Give everything you have. And this is good and blessed by God. We hope that His “well done, my child” will make killing ourselves worth it – that we’ll finally understand the insanity and come to know His Love heals us all as we live eternally in the clouds.
But I don’t give a fuck about streets of gold.
I want to be heard. I want to shake my fist at the sky and empty my heart of all my pain and scream, “Fuck you!” I want to say aloud the ugly thoughts and fears that are choking me so I can breathe again.
And no matter how loudly I yell, no one hears me.
No one hears me still.
The biggest fear of all is not being heard – being invisible – just existing and going through life’s motions, pleasuring and annoying others until the day I die.
I’m the one who’s going deaf, but he doesn’t hear me.
The silence is as excruciating as my pain itself.