Category: fear

Fear Not

I have forgotten everything.  All the lessons.  All the ah-ha moments.  I’m living in a brain fog and my wires are all disconnected. My body has been screaming at me for months, but apparently my personal translator fell down on the job.  Lyme Disease.  Anxiety.  Asthma.  Vocal chord disfunction.  Menopause.  The infamous “hmm…” from the doctor, and a handful of assorted prescribed poisons. But … Read More Fear Not

The Mile

Gosh, I haven’t written here in so long I feel like a complete stranger to my own blog. I’ve been exhausted. My weekly training mileage is getting extremely challenging; to find the time is maybe more difficult than finding the energy.  A 4:30 alarm is about the earliest I can stomach, and even that doesn’t always leave me room to get to work on … Read More The Mile

Just Breathe

I hate that last part – that “everything will work out for the best.”  It makes me think of someone patting me on the back in a patronizing way as we both watch my life fall apart.  The only way “for the best” works for me is if I’m happy.  Anything short of that goal might be for somebody’s “best” but certainly not for … Read More Just Breathe

I’m so Fucking Happy I’m Going to Explode

My heart is full and open tonight. There is a decided difference between being “up” and living in Love.  I don’t believe I ever knew or remembered what it was like to live in Love.  I didn’t know what that felt like – only the Fear.  And when something exciting happened that made my adrenaline rush, that is what I thought I aspired to. … Read More I’m so Fucking Happy I’m Going to Explode

Fear is a Bitch

The bar has been set very, very high.  I’ll never be satisfied with a regular life again.  And that’s the beauty and the hell of it.  I have to figure out how to do this without Fear.  Fear is a mother fucker.   Love is everything.   Love is an open heart.  Love is thrilling and joyous.  Love is contentment with the world around … Read More Fear is a Bitch

Abracadabra

He’s magic. He must be.  There’s no way in hell anyone could have made me feel better after the shitty day I just had.  But… he always makes me smile, even when I’m hunkered down for a long battle. I don’t know if I’m fighting ghosts or hormones or what, but I’ve just about had enough of it.  Time for Love to put on … Read More Abracadabra

Rocking Chairs

Lately, all my friends’ posts on Facebook seem to center around their parents’ deaths and grandchildren.  I’m not ready for either of those events.  It’s so depressing to think about someone my age having grandkids.  Jesus.  I feel like I’m still a kid myself.  But a lot of us married young in Indiana; we were babies having babies.  And then those babies did the … Read More Rocking Chairs

Just Weight

My life has done a 180 since I first started Unwritten about 7 1/2 years ago.  On New Year’s Eve, I spent some time looking back through the years of posts and recalling those moments now documented on an internet blog.  It’s been a crazy ride.   But underneath all the excruciating pain of days gone by, I think I always believed I would … Read More Just Weight

2013 – Lessons in Love

As 2013 draws to a close, I’m finding it hard to believe that it wasn’t all a beautiful dream.  I finally have the kind of happiness I always wanted – at least when it comes to the things that really matter.  My closets will have to wait, but I never read any fairy tales that focused on clean closets anyway. I had some big … Read More 2013 – Lessons in Love

The Glass Slipper Stiletto

I just finished my first 5-day training week in quite awhile.  Even though the mileage wasn’t terribly  high, my body aches in an “ooh, it hurts so good” way.  My food and weight are still in a funk, but at least my heart, lungs, legs and spirit are on the right track. I’ve been struggling for months now to give a voice to the … Read More The Glass Slipper Stiletto

Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear

I deserve to be this happy.  I may not have done anything to earn it, but I deserve to feel the overwhelming joy I’ve been given for as long as it will be given, without interruption from my own self-sabotage bullshit. I’m not going to suppose why I do what I do or make disconnected guesses about my behavior – I just want to … Read More Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear

Tearing It Up

Is there a happier word for happy?  It’s not just a mood anymore.  It’s a glow emanating from deep inside – a state of being.  It’s an overwhelming radiant peacefulness that comes from consistent loving behavior.  Allowing someone to love me might be more difficult than learning to love myself. It’s demolition time for my protective walls.  And I’m feeling okay about that.  More … Read More Tearing It Up