Category: surviving

Missing Chapters

I wish I had kept writing during the times when I didn’t know what to say;  I would love to take a peek into my mind over the last couple of years. I spent a lot of time investigating mysterious health issues that came up out of nowhere.  I fought Fear and often lost.  My running suffered.  I lost weight and gained even more. … Read More Missing Chapters

Sending Out an S.O.S.

I had such a shitty afternoon that I came home and shoved the most horrible food in my face and then remembered that I still needed to put 5 miles on the books.  Damn.  Guess it’s going to be a late one on the treadmill while I let my stomach settle until then. I’m in a really uncomfortable place right now, and I don’t … Read More Sending Out an S.O.S.

The Finish Line

I was so tired last night I could barely keep my eyes open.  I woke this morning at 6:45, wide awake, then stayed in bed for hours and drifted in and out of consciousness.  I did not want to get up.  I battled another round of nausea yesterday afternoon, but it went away after some water and a distracting conversation, so I’m hoping it’s … Read More The Finish Line

Do the Limbo

Here we are again, in my favorite place called Limbo (Latin limbus, edge or boundary, referring to the “edge” of Hell).  In case you didn’t catch the sarcasm dripping from that first sentence, let me be clear that I don’t like being here one bit. In the past, Limbo meant waiting for someone else to make a decision that would affect my future.  Like … Read More Do the Limbo

Numb No More

Staring at a blank page, wondering how I feel… trying to recall the euphoria of yesterday’s long run before the week’s shit began… ugh. Coach gave me a great pep talk today.  He’s good at that – always patient and logical in an understanding way, and I appreciate that more than he knows.  He’s smart and funny – who else could ever get me … Read More Numb No More

The Sandy Effect

At happy hour on Friday we played pool and talked and drank; the weather forecast was the furthest thing from our minds.  None of us had any idea what the next few days would bring.   The media presented “Frankenstorm” coverage with its usual drama and flair, and I was somewhat conscious of the fact that I should cut the grass and clean up the … Read More The Sandy Effect

The Day After

I laced up my shoes and headed out for my usual 5-mile loop in the countryside to survey the storm damage.   I turned out of my neighborhood and immediately saw the first make-shift road closing.  I ducked under the yellow police tape and stayed far away from the downed tree and the power line.  I trudged on. I purposefully left my headphones at home; … Read More The Day After

Fear Less

What happens when fear creeps in to a loving heart?  Worry, stress, upset, stomach aches, dull skin, tired eyes, chronic tearfulness and too much god damn thinking.  I’m exhausted. Fear is everything that love is not.  Fear is closed up – impatient, anxious, tight, holding on, needing… an open heart that becomes afraid begins to shut down and hoist up walls of protection from … Read More Fear Less

I am Titanium

I hate the thought of other people feeling hurt during my attempts to preserve my Self.  I was brought up always to consider others first.  Self-sacrifice was the name of the game – the bigger my loss, the greater person I became.   What a crock of shit.  I didn’t become greater – I became non-existent.  Never again.  Ever. I still fight those old ghosts … Read More I am Titanium

Climbing the Hill

Yesterday I doubled up my runs with a 5k race in the morning followed by 18 long, slow miles back home in the countryside.  I much preferred the latter.   Hill Road is becoming one of my favorite parts of my training, falling in nicely around miles 9-11 and giving me a burst of energy and confidence.  I have a long way to go before … Read More Climbing the Hill

Ah…

I’m feeling almost normal again, whatever “normal” means. It felt like I was caught in a nasty, bitterly cold winter rain storm, with blowing winds that nearly knocked me off my feet, pellets of icy rain biting at my face, and blusters of cold gusts that took my breath away. I knew I would get to a warm, comfortable place eventually, so I pulled … Read More Ah…

Reality Check

This afternoon, my son saw a spider on the wall and wanted me to kill it for him. I said something completely ridiculous, (because I don’t exactly love spiders) like “oh he won’t hurt anything – he’s my boyfriend.” I have no idea where that came from, but sometimes it’s fun to tease my young son with silly nonsense. He came to me, touched … Read More Reality Check